I was thinking last night as I lay in pain unable to sleep that everyone here posts the best version of themselves. Their beautiful kids, their lovely house, their exciting work, their enriching holiday, their invigorating exercise, their healthy dinner, their expensive car, their passionate causes. It’s exhausting just looking at them in all their perfection.
It’s easy to feel ‘less than’ when you can’t get involved, do or have these things because of CFS/ME. So I wondered what I actually have to share? Maybe it’s just simply a glimpse through a window of endless days filled with varying symptoms and very little future or light at the end of the tunnel. David Bruce is always telling me to keep a diary, to write, to share my experiences so others don’t feel alone and to make the disease more relatable. All the other sites and blogs are cloyingly filled with trite positivity but very little gritty reality so maybe I should start writing it here?
It’s another Saturday afternoon lying on the couch, too tired to do anything much. I look old and I feel older. My stomach is killing me because I’ve had diahorrea for the last 24 hours. In fact I had diahorrea so badly yesterday that I didn’t quite make it to the bathroom and ended up in the shower. It’s not the first time. The pain in my arms and shoulders kept me awake again last night so I’m stiff, sore and a little grumpy, I could not get up until after 11 this morning as a result. I will go and do the recycling in a bit just to get some fresh air and I expect I will cry afterwards because it will feel like wading through mud. I cried a lot last night. I am frustrated at the moment but it will pass. A friend is visiting later for the first time in ages and I’m really looking forward to it but I also know I will struggle. I hope I will be welcoming company. Further update in a day or two.